When Should We Butt In (or Out)?

I grew up in a blue collar, (almost) middle class family.  I remember growing up watching my mom pay bills – my stepfather never showed any interest in the process.  There were times mom would ’steal from Peter to pay Paul’.  Anyone heard that saying before?  In today’s economic times, I’m sure many people are doing it – using money designated for one thing in order to pay another and hope that you can make up the difference next paycheck.  I didn’t know anything other than watching my mom live paycheck to paycheck.  My stepfather had his own checking account and paid the rent and a car payment while my mom covered virtually anything and everything else.  There was very little communication between them about finances.  I learned what I didn’t want to do when I grew up!

Jack and I handle things very differently and I know our relationship benefits from our open communication.  Jack, being the black & white kinda guy he is, thinks there’s no problem approaching my parents and telling them they are nuts and won’t have a penny to support themselves in the years to come if they don’t curb their spending habits now.  I, on the other hand, KNOW that this situation must be handled with A LOT more care and diplomacy.

They are both retired, and my mom’s expenses often exceed her Social Security check.  She doesn’t live on her credit cards anymore, but the smallest out of the ordinary expense causes her to reach for her plastic.

I discuss money situations with my mom often – and I try to address some of these issues in a subtle way so she doesn’t get defensive and upset.  A couple years after they bought their first home (only a few years ago) I found out they were still paying PMI when they didn’t need to and helped her take the necessary steps to have it removed from their mortgage payment.  Hooray – I’ve helped them save some money!  A couple months later, I  find out they’ve bought a new car.  Did they need to get rid of two (out of three) of their cars – absolutely!  Did they need to buy a brand new car – probably not.  Now they are back to car payments – months after paying off the other car they still have.

When we visit my parents or they come here – I have to put Jack on warning.  PLEASE, PLEASE don’t say anything that will cause an argument.  My parents are like elephants – they forget nothing and hold grudges (though they’d deny that).  Is it fair to ask Jack to refrain from commenting on a lot of things?  Absolutely not – and I’m sorry I put him in that predicament.  I’m trying for a peaceful, enjoyable visit – and will go to great lengths to avoid a confrontation.

Please tell me I’m not the only one on this slippery slope of managing the “In Laws” situation!  Got any ideas?  Please enlighten me!

As for being diplomatic about it, I am! … usually. OK, sometimes I can be diplomatic. It’s a lot easier to be diplomatic if the situation were approached intentionally in a planned manner.

If the situation blows up in my lap, well then all bets are off!

To date, I have heeded most of Jill’s pleas to reserve my opinions. But in the few instances that the topic of finances and the in-laws has been raised I’ve handled it respectfully and tactfully.

Jill hasn’t listened to me, so I would appreciate your help and support. Here is my opinion, be blunt, am I off base?

Honesty is the best policy!

It’s not always easy, I admit! Just take a look at the post on honesty and kids.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family too, who didn’t? But mine was also filled with routine dishonesty. It was difficult to decipher what was true and what was not. It was easy, even natural to fall into the same trap.

Early in my adult life and way too late I began to develop the opinion that lying was more work than it was worth. When I began living a life of blunt and open honesty, it too wasn’t easy, but it was right.

There was one benefit that I didn’t expect. When you are open, honest and lay your issues and concerns on the table then, and only then, can they be addressed. I also found our issues tend to get resolved faster and with less drama.

Unless you open the dialog and begin to address any issues, they will forever remain a problem or potentially explode when it’s least desirable.

Jill learned what didn’t work and as a result we have a much better life than her parents have experienced.

If we have learned that this is the best approach than why wouldn’t we want to approach the parents in the same manner?

They are adults, and they are being irresponsible by not addressing these issues themselves. Some might say that’s their business. Unfortunately, since Jill is an only child, all of her parents choices will eventually have an impact on her, and on our family.

In my book that makes it our problem too. It’s a problem I’d rather deal with now versus later.