Do you ever feel like you are losing sight of who you are or what makes you “you”?
| She Said | He Said |
| I guess you could say that I am having a bit of an identity crisis. This isn’t a mid-life crisis – it is more of a feeling that I am not sure who I am or how I feel about matters.Let me explain. I am one of those people that can often see both sides of the coin. I can hear one person’s point of view – and see why they feel that way. Then I can hear the opposite point of view – and, again, see the “why”. I’m not saying I agree with both sides – but I can usually sympathize with aspects of both sides. I know – some people can’t stand people like me. Some people see me as spineless and “wishy-washy”. If the topic is important to me – I will stand by my guns – just ask Jack! But more often than not – I wallow in the middle of the gray world – I feel for both sides and often have difficulty making a clear-cut decision.
Jack and I differ greatly when it comes to decision-making. He has the enviable ability to make a decision based solely on the merits – and does a terrific job of keeping his emotions out of the process. When it’s me with whom he’s disagreeing – I absolutely hate his non-emotional decision-making. But on more occasions than not, I appreciate his business-like approach. I let my feelings impact my decisions – and feelings make it messy for me. Jack is a dominate personality – not domineering, but confident and sure. I am more of a non-confrontational, “don’t rock the boat” type. I’m not implying that I let Jack run over me – but over the years, I’ve come to realize that I often simply “adopt” his opinion. Usually a less severe – more middle of the road version of how Jack feels. But the fact remains that I wonder if I’m becoming a “mini-me” of Jack. I brought this up to him a few weeks ago. I mentioned in passing, that I see me doing more adjusting than him. His comment was something to the effect that it was about time I realize the error of my ways. I laughed at the time – but I wondered later if this is fair. Maybe fair isn’t the right term, but I question whether I should always be the one changing/adjusting. I can’t always be the one who is wrong, can I? Don’t misunderstand me – we don’t disagree about everything. But when we do, it’s definitely a 75/25 split on how often I am the one “adjusting”. We’ve been married for almost 14 years. They say that a man and his pet start to look similar – does the same apply to spouses? I know I don’t always have a clear answer – but I don’t want to become a mini-Jack. |
They say perception is reality. If each of us is limited to experiencing the world from our own, individual perspective this means that there are a lot of different realities. In my reality Jill is a quiet type. She is down to earth, a warm and loving soul that strives to get along with everyone and please all. She is the person that would take the shirt off her back to help anyone that asked. She is also strong in moral character and has solid values.
She shares concerns over becoming a mini-me (that’s an ugly thought!) yet what I most often see is her standing by her guns! Jill is more apt to talk about and mull over the details until she is forced to make a choice, but the choice is hers. When it comes to decision making, yeah, OK so I am more apt to come to a conclusion and move on. The drawback is that sometimes my decisions turn out to be pre-mature and would have benefited by slowing down long enough to get further information. Do I get my way? Certainly! Sometimes. 75/25? I think not! I would like to see the accounting on this one. There are lots of issues where my position fails to prevail. Kids activities, cell phones, money, college, investing, housekeeping, work, where we live, how we spend time, cable TV, my continuing career and family politics are just a few examples of where Jill not only failed to “adjust” to my point of view but remains sticking to her guns. Frankly it was Jill’s strength that in part attracted me to her to begin with. It is her stubbornness that in part keeps me interested in Jill. A mini-me is the last thing this world needs and the last thing I want. A mini-me would be boring not to mention a great way to destroy a beautiful face! As I see it, relationships are give and take. If you are truly always doing things against your will or want, if you take on the political views and lifestyle of your partner because they demand or force it upon you, it is bad. Bad for you and your health and even bad for your other half. If you have changed your view or opinion as a result of what you have learned or experienced with another, you have grown as a person. “Adapting” is not bad as long as you are the one making the choice to adapt. And btw Jill, no, you are not always wrong…. just mostly (hehehe) |
Readers: Are there any other couples that experience similar identity issues? Share your thoughts.
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My husband is far from the shy and retiring type. But we have a similar problem. He’ll have plans for HIS day and not tell me, so I think there is nothing going on. I’ll ask if we can do something, suggest an activity, or what ever and it is never a demand, and he’ll say “OK let’s do that.” Then he’s a jerk the whole time because, surprise to me, he had plans for that day. So, the only answer is for him to tell me when he has plans, but since he’s not doing that still, I have no answer for you.
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Sometimes it’s nice just to know that others share in relationship difficulties – whether the issues are the same or not. I came across your blog a couple weeks ago – I added it to my reader. Thanks for sharing!