How many young people think they can “change their spouse” once they are marrried. Older – I prefer wiser – people will say appproaching a marrriage with this intent is a disaster waiting to happen. But so often, newleyweds think they know best and that they can do the impossible because “they are in love”.
| She Said | He Said |
| I can honestly say that I never considered changing any part of my husband when we were newlyweds. He never left the toilet seat up and was always helpful and thoughtful. He was and is nearly perfect. After almost 14 years of marriage – I still regard him as my best friend. He still puts the toilet seat down . . . but now he’ll leave me without toilet paper on occasion. But I digress . . .We have two wonderful children – a boy and a girl both of whom are our pride and joy. When our son was little – maybe 9 – 10 months old, my husband put him in a mini-timeout for not listening to us when we told him “no”. I was appalled that he even thought to discipline our son in such a harsh way at such a young age. I supervised this exchange from out of my son’s view and had tears running down my face. My husband wasn’t mean or harsh, just steadfast in his making sure our son grasped (as best he could) that when we said “no” he needed to listen. I gave my husband an earful after our son was back to happily playing for expecting too much from such a little guy. I unfortunately must admit that our son immediately obeyed the next time one of us said “no” or “don’t touch”.
Jump forward a few years . . . our daughter is barely one and is persisting to do something we’ve told her not to do. My husband leaned down and so gently spoke to her explaining that she can’t do that anymore. It suddenly hit me how differently he was handling this situation in comparison to how he dealt with our son at the same age. Don’t misunderstand me – he loves both of them tremendously, but there was a clear change in how he spoke to “his little girl” from how he spoke to “his son”. I told him he had a double standard - and that it was unfair to not handle the kids equally. I don’t remember his exact words (it was over 8 years ago), but I do remember him admitting to it and saying ” . . . but she’’s my little girl . . .” Then he went on to say that he told me before we were married that he’d do this. Did he tell me this? How did I let this go? After deep thought – I had to admit that he did infer that he would do such a thing. Clearly I thought he was kidding when he said it – and that once we were parents surely he would be the fair and just person I knew him to be. I figured I’d be able to “change” his mind if he was silly enough to think I’d tolerate this. Oops . . . did I just admit that I thought I could change him after we were married? Wow! Is the double standard OK? I can honestly say, in my husband’s defense, that he isn’t as bad as he used to be. Our son is now 13 and our daughter is 9. Does she still get spoken to differently? YES! Is the double standard still there? YES, but not as drastic as when they were little. Is it fair? I have to say “No, it isn’t”. |
Let me start by saying, yes, I have a double standard. There, it’s on the table, out in the open!Second, Jill is more likely to neglect replacing the toilet paper! She leaves it on the counter or on the floor but I replace it more often then she!
However, I am glad she notices how much I do for her. It sure would be nice if she shared that with me as consistently as she shares it with others. But truth be told, I am just as guilty for the same thing. We do have two wonderful children. They are by no means perfect, we still have a long hard road in front of us. But Jill deserves the majority of the credit for shaping them both into what I believe will be wonderful and productive members of our society. Her hubby does deserve a pat on the back though. Jill has often disagreed and sometimes fought against my hard-nosed parenting approach. But she has learned from it as well. To say that any parent treats each kid exactly the same is nothing but a lie. No two kids are alike and as a result nature will dictate differences in their relationships with their parents. As the youngest of five, I saw clearly that we were all loved, but loved in different ways. We were all treated fairly, but fairly in different ways. In my younger days I was the director of a daycare center and had the opportunity to observe many families and not once did I see a case where the parents truly treated each kid the same. I don’t believe it’s possible so I never tried. But there is more to it than that. With my first born I was determined to instill discipline. I was strict against my wife’s liberal and unlearned approach. She spoiled him and I brought him back to reality. There was a drawback to this approach though; I alienated my son. We love each other, we get along, we share our feelings and we communicate but I don’t have that bond that my son has with my wife. What my lovely wife does not remember was our discussion of parenting with two. When Jane was born I told Jill, “I was the disciplinarian with Jack, now it’s your turn.” Jill was suppose to be the disciplinarian of Jane and I was suppose to be the spoiler. I kept my end of the bargain! But the question remains, is a double standard OK? |
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