I don’t know about you – but sometimes I get so caught up in life just ‘putting out fires’ that I forget to understand the underlying situations.
| She Said |
He Said |
| With each post we do, we want to hear other view points and opinions. Anytime you discuss an issue, it makes you think more in-depth – and I think we all lack from some in-depth thought. Often we are so busy trying to get through our days that we don’t take the time to wonder ‘why did I say/do that’ or ‘why did he say/do that’.When I am dealing with a situation with our kids, I react to the moment and what needs to be addressed. Sometimes I try to take a moment afterward and question what lead up to that question or outburst. Don’t get me wrong – our kids aren’t that problematic. They are basically angels in need of an occasional attitude adjustment. My point is this – we as parents, friends, and spouses need to reflect on whether there is more we could say or do to help a situation rather than just ‘put out fires’.
Here’s an example – our son expressed interest in attending a charter high school next year instead of his cluster high school that he would normally move on to. Given his interest in computers, Jack and I were quick to simply assume that his reasons were because this charter school emphasizes technology. During a meal, one of us happened to ask “What is your biggest reason for wanting to go to a different high school than your friends?” We were very surprised to find out that a lot of John’s reasons stemmed from social reasons (ongoing bully situation, etc.). Once we understood, we could address the underlying reason. We couldn’t condone running from a situation – because, unfortunately, you will always have someone in your life with whom it is difficult to know how to relate (family member, co-worker or friend). I considered this situation with our son to be one of those fundamental important moments in ‘raising children’ . . . and we almost lost the opportunity.
How many times do we overlook chances to make a difference simply because we don’t take the time to give it some deeper thought?
Something worth thinking about don’t you think? Go make a difference in someone’s day!
Thanks Jack – you took a moment a couple weeks ago and I appreciate it! |
hmmm… Is that Jill’s obscure way of saying “You were right?”
When you think about it we spend a lot of time “putting out fires.” Imagine how much better life would be if we could prevent the fires from ever happening.
Jill and I don’t always agree. But in many respects Jill and I are “on the same page.”
Jill does make a great point. Not just with kids, with co-workers, friends and even with spouses; too often we react based on previous experiences. We don’t take the time to learn the details and background of the situation at hand.
Not only do we overlook chances to make a difference; sometimes we also complicate situations further. We hurt loved one’s feelings and offend our friends because we make assumptions.
We set ourselves up for failure in doing so. Without full understanding, we jump to a conclusion and once done it’s very difficult to give up.
Psychologists call this “confirmation bias.” Studies have shown that people are 2 times more likely to seek information that supports their opinion then to consider evidence that would refute those beliefs.
Yes Jill, I am stubborn but so is every other human, its normal and its natural.
Knowing that we all have a tendency to seek the easiest path to meeting our personal expectations, we all have the opportunity to improve our ability to confront and address the “fires” we routinely try to put out.
When faced with any challenge, especially if you have already established an opinion, take a moment and force yourself to consider the unknown. What other factors could impact this issue? Who else could have influence over this problem? What alternative approaches are there to address this situation.
By forcing yourself to consider other perspectives you will be in a better position to determine the most effective approach. |
Readers: Everyone has a tendency to jump to conclusions. What can we do to help each other avoid the pitfalls of being short-sighted?
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They say ignorance is bliss. For many years Jill lived her life believing that the world was made up of people conducting business in an ethical manner. I agree with her but when I have shared with Jill the marketing techniques that are used in business, suddenly she feels as if she has been manipulated.
| He Said |
She Said |
| When you are self-employed, your job is to generate an income to support yourself and your family. This income must come after you have paid all your expenses to operate your business.Corporations are no different. They exist to produce profits to ensure the organization not only survives but thrives. The objective of any business is to make a profit and grow.To achieve these goals, companies must sell their products and services. Depending on the market they are in or the products that they sell the methods employed to market and sell their wares very widely.Businesses have and do spend millions analyzing everything we consumers do and think. They are all looking for the edge to increase their market share and their profit margins.Some of the more interesting things they do include techniques such as aroma therapy. Disney, for example, pumps the smell of popcorn into the area around the park entrance. Some hotels and car dealerships have done the same to encourage customers to be in a more relaxed mood.
Companies test market colors of their stores. Ever wonder why so many fast food restaurants and grocery stores feature orange in their color scheme? It makes you hungry!
By chance have you noticed that most prices end with .99? Studies have revealed that you will perceive an item as being cheaper if is priced at $19.99 vs. $20.00. OK it is cheaper by one cent but sales go up considerably when this is done.
Salesman also use a variety of methods called “closing techniques” to increase the likelihood that you will buy. They increase urgency “the sale is only good till 6:00.” They will use an either/or close “would you like me to delivery it or should I package to go?” They will play on your emotions, “certainly you want to provide the safest transportation for your children, buy this car and you’ll have it.”
Welcome to the world of capitalism, this is business and these techniques have been developed over hundreds of years. I call it marketing, Jill refers to this as manipulation.
It may not feel good to be “played” but do we not have a society of caveat emptor? |
I can’t speak from the position of self-employed or even salesperson – since I’ve never been either and don’t really wish to be. I know I don’t have the personality to push/persuade people to buy things – so working on commission would not be profitable for me.I can only speak from the position of consumer – and when I feel like I’m being pressured or manipulated, it bothers me. I don’t like feeling as if I am a part of a game – each side trying to best the other.Buying a high-dollar item shouldn’t be a process of strategizng to be sure you aren’t being taken for an expensive ride. And yet, walk into any dealership, furniture store or even appliance store and it’s ‘game on’ from the time you walk in the door. The salesperson is ’sizing you up’ – trying to decide which sales technique will be most effective to get the sale. Some people are politely subtle – others are ‘in your face’ obvious that you need to engage in the virtual chess match.I don’t mean to villian-ize all salespeople. I know there are decent, ethical people who can both make a decent dollar and close a deal – and still be able to look themselves in the mirror each morning. I applaud you and wish you could share your ability with your cohorts.
You know the saying about “one bad apple . . .” - unfortunately there are many bad apples in the sales industry that make consumers like me suspicious, weary and frustrated.
I get the concept of marketing and how it can be seen as manipulation. Strange as it sounds – I don’t really have a problem with using scents, colors or other marketing techniques to encourage consumers to spend their hard-earned money. It’s the person-to-person manipulation techniques that offend me. It’s just another version of the bully on the playground trying to take your lunch money . . . except there is a lot more at stake now. |
Can you share an example of when a company went too far to sell you their products or services?
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Let’s face it, nobody is perfect. But there are some things about the people we love that just drive us crazy!
| He Said |
She Said |
| Some people need to relax. Jill is one of them!Jill stresses about too much. When it’s something within her control I completely understand. But when she is stressing about things that are beyond her control…When I am driving, I am in control. There should be a law in place that says unless the driver asks for input all others must keep their mouths shut!
We are lucky enough to be provided a car through my work. It is equipped with a navigation unit. Yesterday we were driving someplace new and had the address plugged into the system.
The calm lady in the computer announced we would be making a u-turn in 2.0 miles. Right after that, Jill pipes in that I will be making a u-turn.
But wait, there’s more!
Jill is a cautious driver. As long as she is in the passenger seat. Yes, that’s right, as long as she is driving she can do just as good as the next person at scaring the crap out of any passengers. Not always, but I’ve ridden with her while she has driven 80 miles per hour. I’ve been with her when she stopped close enough to the back end of a car that we could read the speedometer of the car in front of us. And she has nearly missed any manner of living and dead objects on the road and near it!
Is Jill a bad driver? Not by a long-shot! She is like anyone else and capable of making mistakes, not paying attention and forgetfulness.
But for some reason, when she is in the passenger seat she becomes an expert in all things driving.
She is going to state that I am the one with three tickets on my record. I admit it, I do tend to drive fast and make all the other mistakes that she does. But I also drive about 100 times more miles than her in a given year and therefore have many more opportunities to get caught.
Here’s my point, regardless of your skill or the driver’s; unless you are a driving instructor you should butt out unless asked. |
Wow – Jack really has issues with driving.Yes, I am a side-seat driver and I know it drives him crazy. I try to curb my comments but some of them fly out before I can stop them. I like to be in control . . . and when I am a passenger I don’t have that control. Aside from when I’m in the car with Jack – I’ve always been the designated driver, the one with the wheels to drive to the beach and the one who always drives everywhere.
I used to drive a lot. Probably more than Jack realizes. I have (knock on wood) never had an accident and have had only 3 speeding tickets in my whole driving career. I know Jack can’t say the same.
Now I live the life of a full-time mom, so I don’t do the 50 mile commute each way any more. I’m older and a lot calmer. I know when to pay attention to street signs and speed limits. I know when to notice that we are approaching a major city on the interstate and that the speed limit is not 75 anymore. If I’m lucky, I don’t need to hurry to my next destination.
So, yes – I get a little stressed when I see how fast Jack is driving. He’s been a speed junkie his whole life – I know that. For Jack’s birthday a few years ago, I gave him “the driving experience” at California Speedway so he could put the pedal to the metal. I think it is a totally different situation when you are driving local roads with our two children in the car on a Saturday afternoon going A LOT faster than necessary just because you like to go fast.
So, I will make a sincere effort to refrain from being a side seat driver. If you don’t want me to comment on how fast you are driving . . . slow your ass down.
Sounds easy doesn’t it? I bet it is going to be easier for me to shut up than it is for Jack to slow down. |
Do you know someone that depresses their imaginary brake pedal while riding in the passenger seat? Do you know somebody that always has a better way to get there? How do you feel when they are constantly giving you advice about your driving while behind the wheel?
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Every relationship has a weak link. If you are lucky, the other links are strong enough to compensate. Some links are at the end of the chain, it may not matter if they break. Others are right in the middle, if they break; Game Over!
| She Said |
He Said |
| Let me confess now – I readily admit that I am not as affectionate as I used to be. I can remember being like a bunny! These days, sleep has become a precious commodity and I savor every minute.Regarding intimacy – when we are on the same page – things are great. I have to admit, it is almost always me who is not only on a different page, but an entirely different book altogether. It feels like that book (intimacy) is locked away in the fire safe.
I would say our marriage is a strong one. The trust runs deep. The friendship runs long. If there is a weak link in our bond it is the physical side of our relationship. Not a comfortable subject for me to discuss in a post especially, but honestly in private too. If you read our earlier post, I mentioned that I am very shy and private and PDA isn’t comfortable for me. I see a common link building here.
Jack is very open and honest and likes to discuss anything and everything – often at length. I have difficulty sharing my thoughts on intimacy and the lack of it – and I know that causes great frustration for him. He keeps it under wraps but I know it’s there. We have moments when I can share a few thoughts, but there are other times when he asks me something and I have a min-freeze, anxiety moment. I feel that fight or flight moment – a panic to get out of this conversation as quickly as possible without hurting his feelings (again) because I’m just not able to discuss it.
Am I the only one who has difficulty talking about this? How do other couples bridge this gap? |
Damn, I wish I’d been there when she wrote that! I just missed another opportunity!I am no Casanova but I’ve had a few relationships. I am no psychologist but I’ve seen enough and heard enough to know that the best way to overcome a problem is to deal with the problem.
Is intimacy a problem for marriages? I honestly don’t know. Is it a problem for us? As surprised as I am to say it, no. Whether we do the dirty once a week or once a month I am still going to be devoted to my wife. Any longer than that…?  J.K.
What bothers me more is Jill’s unwillingness to discuss the issues. Will talking about this change her mind or her feelings? I don’t know, but if we talk I will at least know where she stands.
Both Jill and I grew up naive. As we entered adulthood I took the opportunity to explore and learn while she remained cloistered in her shell. (Sorry babe, just stating the facts) Jill’s unwillingness to open her eyes to the bigger picture has held her back and prevented her from enjoying so much that life has to offer.
I believe virtually everyone has difficulty talking about intimacy, at first. But most of us find and take the opportunity to push the envelope. When we don’t get burned we push it a little further. Before long, we are talking about things that, well… we’ll keep it clean here!
Hey folks, help out a struggling guy here. Help Jill understand that not only is it OK but it is fun to open up and talk about the unspoken.
Just in case others can’t provide some advice on how to bridge this gap…
Tips about how to talk to your partner.
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If ever we needed help, this is the one folks. Please don’t be shy, share your suggestions on how to talk about intimacy.
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When you are in love you want to express your affection. Is PDA OK?
| He Said |
She Said |
| Everyone has heard the jokes about how romance dwindles with age. It appears we have proven once again this truth.There is no reason to question the love we have for each other but the flame has dimmed, the spark barely crackles, there is just no whip in our snapper… very often.
On occasion it’s like we both get a second wind, we are on the same page and singing the same song. For some reason we oscillate from one to the other.
When we are in tune, life is good and I want to indulge in it. I want to hold my wife’s hand, I want to give her hugs and I want to kiss her beautiful lips.
When we are at home, this is no big deal; when we are in public it’s another issue.
Jill is happy to hold hands but she has always been reluctant to display any affection in public.
I’m not talking about doing the Mattress Mambo or even swapping spit, I’m just talking about quick kisses and holding each other close.
It does me no good to push her to giving in, that would be the quickest way to find ourselves singing different tunes. But I think a little, polite PDA is a good thing and I would like to take advantage of the moments.
I’ve spent decades trying to convince her and now I’m asking for your help. |
How many times do you see young people in love who feel the need to show everyone around them how much they care for one another? At the movies, walking, at a party – you just want to say “Get a room!”.
Jack and I have known each other since middle school – that’s 30 years ago give or take a couple of years. We tried to date once in high school, but I quickly decided that I wasn’t ready for a heated relationship. Don’t get me wrong, Jack never crossed any lines of propriety. He met me between classes and stayed with me until he had to make a mad dash to his class before the bell. I remember once when we were sitting on the floor outside my History class. When it was time to get up and go, he leaned over and kissed me goodbye. It was my first public kiss – intentionally done in front of my friends. He gave me a quick peck and off he ran. I was shocked – my teacher gave me the ‘evil eye’ and my friends snickered and grinned. I was embarrassed and instantly realized I wasn’t a PDA kind of person.
Fast forward to the present – I’d love nothing better than to be hand-in-hand with Jack or wrap my arm around his waist and rest my thumb in his belt loop (which I used to do when we were newlyweds). That would mean that he is in town and we have an opportunity to be together. Do I feel the need to makeout for anyone’s benefit? Not so much. Why? I feel extremely secure in my love and relationship with Jack that I don’t feel the need to put on a display.
Jack mentions two different topics. PDA is one thing – keeping the spark is another. I’ll address the second topic in a separate post.
Am I a prude? I don’t think so. I am a very shy, private person who likes to keep my thoughts and feelings “close to the cuff” . . . and I guess that goes for my kisses too. |
Is PDA OK and how far can you go? Please leave your thoughts below and share your point of view.
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