I’m sure there are people on both sides of this issue. My babies are growing up . . . and I’m not sure I’m ready.
| She Said |
He Said |
| Maybe it’s the dreary cold weather . . . but I found myself in deep thought today about our kids. We have an 8th grade son and a 4th grade girl – and they are my sunshine. I was fortunate enough to become a stay-at-home mom when John was two (Thanks Jack!) and have thoroughly enjoyed being mom.Today, I was carrying laundry into the kids’ rooms and took a moment to look around – no I wasn’t snooping. I realized that they are growing up right under my nose and even though I’m here for every step of growth, I feel like I’ve had blinders on. My son is now officially taller than me (woe is me!) and my daughter has proudly passed my shoulder. What happened to the adorable toddlers that would climb in my lap just to rest their weary heads? What happened to the small clothes that used to give me a warm and fuzzy feeling when I folded laundry? Now, my son is wearing men’s shoes and will very soon outgrow the ‘boys 8-20′ section.My husband Jack teases that as soon as they turn 18 he’s opening the door to send them on their way. He is teasing, isn’t he? Yes, I believe he is.
Is there anyone else out there who doesn’t look forward to their kids growing up and leaving the nest? By the same token, anyone feel just the opposite? |
Jill knows better than any that I always wanted kids. The experience has been more rewarding (and more frustrating) than I ever thought possible.I love my wife furiously, but there is just nothing that compares to holding a child that you helped create. It’s not about loving more or less it is about a different sort of love altogether.
The whole baby thing did little for me, I honestly think all babies are ugly (no offense dear) but really! They are all like amoebas, small, wrinkled, unable to communicate… they do nothing but live.
As kids begin to learn and grow it is another story. Young kids accept their parents unconditionally. They laugh when you have no sense of humor, they befriend you when you don’t deserve it. They love you regardless of how much you spend on them or how ignorant you are as a parent.
Growing older you have the unique opportunity to really interact with your kids, you can almost see them grow and watch them develop into real people. These toddler to tween years is when parents have the opportunity to really help their kids form into the people and personalities that they will be. This is when you must instill the values and principles that are important to you.
As kids become teenagers they still have a lot of learning in front of them but the essence of who they will become is largely in place.
All the years, blood, sweat and tears that you have invested in your kids culminates somewhere between their 18th birthday and early twenties. This is when your kids are expected to go out into the real world and contribute to society. The reason we have kids is to continue our genetic chain and to support the continued growth and improvement of our population.
I miss my kids when I go to work for the day but I have been dreaming of joy I will feel when they become responsible and productive members of our society. My greatest joy will be when I learn that they are starting their own families. |
Kids do grow up. Should parents be trying to teach them to live on their own as soon as possible?
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Happy Valentine’s Day
| He Said |
She Said |
| OK, I admit it, it got to me.Love, passion and friendship changes as time passes. It gets stronger, deeper and we become acclimated, it becomes routine.
After so many years together I don’t question the love Jill and I have together. Our relationship is part of our life, it cannot be separated, it is non-voluntary, like breathing.
We decided to bypass this holiday celebration. No gifts, no romantic dinners, no chocolates. This was not because we are rebelling the obvious commercialization of this special day. It was simply because there is virtually nothing else we need. Why spend money on the unnecessary?
I was good with it, probably wouldn’t have thought twice. But this is the first year I have been tuned into the blogosphere, and this as it turns out, made me think in ways I have never thought.
Most of what I read was railing against this commercialized holiday. But one post about cupid getting lazy made me think. So I have to do something, and this is it.
Jill is my lover for life. We have been committed to each other for nearly 20 years and married now for 14 in May.
Jill is my wife. And a better one I cannot imagine. This is not a marriage about submission we don’t follow the biblical path but she fulfills whatever duties could be considered wifely with passion, care and grace.
Jill is my partner. In anything we do or accomplish she is a part of the team. We don’t always agree immediately but she is willing to listen to my crazy ideas and help guide our decisions to some level of sanity.
Jill is my children’s mother. And fantastic she is! She has nurtured them and cared for them, taught them and guided them. Jill is my children’s friend, guidance counselor and disciplinarian. No child is perfect and ours are no different but all things considered we are truly blessed and Jill deserves most of the credit!
Jill is my friend. I cherish my wife, I appreciate all that she does to support our home and our children. Her friendship however is the foundation of our relationship and what makes Jill truly special to me.
When we first began our romantic relationship we spent thousands of hours talking about many aspects of love and live. One concept we felt similarly about was the idea of unconditional love. No two people are exactly alike. We will have and develop different interest. Everyone makes poor decisions and speaks without thinking. We all come with our own skeletons in the closets and bad habits that annoy. Nobody is perfect but if you are serious about a long-term relationship you must be willing to love unconditionally.
I have given Jill so many reasons to be unhappy. I have taken her for granted, I have spoken with anger, criticized and cussed. I have failed to listen, to pay attention and heeded her suggestions. I like it hot while she likes it cool, I have left soda cans and glasses laying around the house (I never did this all in one day!). Through it all, there have been times when Jill was not happy and even expressed anger herself but Jill has never ceased to show that she loves me.
I am the luckiest man in the world for I found the perfect friend, companion and wife for me.
Thank you Jill, I love you too! |
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With Valentine’s Day around the corner, how many couples still do the candy and flowers routine?
| She Said |
He Said |
| I’ll admit right now that I am not a typical female. I love sports and don’t own a ‘little black dress’. So it’s a good thing that Jack and I agreed to not do anything special for Valentine’s Day. Am I sacrificing one of the mandatory girlie days of the year where you are guaranteed something nice and pretty? In hind sight, maybe I should reconsider . . .We’ve never been big on Valentine’s Day throughout our almost 14 years marriage. We have usually done something little for one another – but this year we decided to bypass the gifts and just try to enjoy the day together – as a family. Does that sound unusual?
After further thought, I want to be sure that we aren’t getting complacent – I don’t want our relationship to get old and boring from lack of effort. It’s hard enough to keep a marriage fresh, loving and fun due to our busy day-to-day lives.
So, are we being lazy? Should we challenge ourselves to find the perfect gift for under $10? Should we come up with something special to keep Cupid’s arrow on target?
I welcome your ideas! |
A little black dress sounds good:-)Does love require gifts, red roses or dinner at a fine restaurant?
Being in love and having the opportunity to share a day with my high school sweetheart is enough to make Valentine’s Day special. Hey, but you’d expect a guy to say something like this considering I had the opportunity to think about it first!
The real deal is a hug means more to me than any $10 gift. Cuddling in bed, an unexpected kiss or the occasion when Jill pats me on the ass as she walks by are the acts I cherish the most.
The great recession has not bitten us but it has impacted us. We’ve been trying to be even more conservative over the past 18 months than usual. For the holidays we agreed to not buy anything for each other. Not that we totally lived up to it.
When Jill tossed out the idea of not spending for Valentine’s I simply took it as a sincere gesture to continue our more frugal ways.
Sounds like Jill is having second thoughts. |
Readers: Time is wasting away fast. Are Valentine celebrations just another marketing induced commercialized ploy to get people to spend money, or do cards, chocolates and flowers really make a difference? Please leave your thoughts and comments by clicking the comments link below.
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Cell phones are a fact of life. These days it seems kids are getting them younger and younger. When are they a luxury and when are they a necessity?
| He Said |
She Said |
| Since when did it become OK for kids to have cell phones? When I grew up landlines were seen as a negative temptation of kids. Very few kids or teens were allowed to use a phone routinely let alone have access to their own.One friend, I recall as a child, had a phone in her room. But even then there was a list of rules that had to be followed to ensure she didn’t abuse the privilege. She couldn’t contact friends if it was too early in the morning, she couldn’t make calls too late. Phone calls were limited in duration and any calls were only allowed to an approved list of contacts.
Why were there so many rules? Out of respect for others in the house was one reason. The other is costs. Money used to be a cherished resource, today it is just another consumable.
The phone is not a right of every American citizen, it is a privilege that must be paid for. Monthly expense for local phone use for decades only cost about $10 per month, and it was a luxury then. Today you can’t get a cell phone for less than about $40 a month and it is a necessity?
But let me get past my old fashion and financial concerns. How can we even justify a cell phone for a kid? The excuses run from “its cool” and “everyone else has one” to “what if I’m running late” and “in case of emergency.”
I won’t even honor the trivial justifications. The last two however may hold merit. However, consider if your child is running late, is there not a friend with a cell phone near by? Where are your kids that they don’t have access to a phone? Certainly the school office would let them use their phone assuming there is not a pay phone nearby.
Using the “emergency” excuse is about the only one that has a chance to make me reconsider my staunch view on cell phones for kids. Again, for younger kids, will they ever be anywhere that someone trustworthy won’t have a phone that can be used?
Are they teens and driving? Well now we are getting closer to a legitimate reason. My solution, give them yours! I’m not going to say we shouldn’t take reasonable precautions, but we don’t have to spend hundreds to do so, they can borrow mom and dad’s!
The only time Jill has even gotten me to consider the idea is when she suggested that a cell for the kids would allow us to eliminate the land-line. I’m ashamed to admit, it made me pause. The draw of the savings is tempting, but I cannot seem to come to terms with the fact that putting a phone in the hands of the kids is a temptation they don’t need. |
Let me start off by asking . . . other than airports, where do you see public telephones anymore? They used to be in or outside every public building – now you are lucky to see one while venturing about town.
I totally disagree with giving young, elementary-aged children cell phones. I remember when our daughter was in 2nd grade . . . yes, 2nd grade and came home to tell me her friend got a cell phone. My question is WHY?
There may be underlying family reasons for people feeling their younger child needs a cell phone, I’m not here to criticize. For our family, we never saw a need for them to have cell phones when they were young.
Now, we have a son who will be in High School next year. Last fall, when his 3 close friends turned 14, they all received cell phones. Our son, who is a year younger but in the same grade, still doesn’t have one. Does he feel bummed that he’s ‘the only one at school that doesn’t have one’ . . . yep, you bet. When asked whether he truly needs one at this point in his life, he admits ‘no, but it would be cool to finally have one’. Point taken, I get the desire to not stand out and get possibly teased (not by his close friends) about not having a phone.
I look at a cell phone as a modern-day right-of-passage. When I grew up, it was getting my ears pierced when I turned 13. Sorry, Jack, but I was one of the kids who had a phone in my room when I turned 15 or so. The phone my mom gave me didn’t ring, and you couldn’t make out-going calls on it. So I could answer the only other phone in the kitchen, put it down, run to my room, take the phone off the cradle, run back and hang up the kitchen phone and zoom back to my room to hyperventilate in my friend’s ear for the first 3 minutes of my 15-minute phone call. But I loved the fact that my parents gave me the privilege (however restricted it was) to earn the right to keep a phone in my room.
I think our son should get a phone before he goes to High School. I see it as a step of trust and responsibility. I’m not talking about an iPhone with data access – I’m talking about switching my plan to a family plan where we can share minutes and texts. Texting is the primary way I communicate with my husband while he is traveling, except for his nightly family call. I never use all my minutes anyway and honestly, at John’s age, I don’t think he’d live on his phone (yet). His friends use their phones only to make necessary calls and they don’t text each other. I think it is the expectation you set for your kids that impacts how it is used.
When John goes somewhere with his friends or church youth group, I give him my phone. That works for these occasional events, because I’m either home or Jack is in town. But his social calendar is only going to get busier as he gets older. The high school he will go to allows kids to text during lunch, so if needs to stay after for a club meeting, he can simply text me and let me know. I think it is time . . . and I think he has earned our trust and is ready for the responsibility.
As for giving up the landline, I’d be more than willing to do that. I totally support Jack’s desire to cut costs where we can reasonably do so . . . sorry honey, but I don’t include cable as reasonable. But that is for another post. |
Readers: Do your kids have a cell phone? Has it caused a problem in any way?
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We examine the slippery slope of dealing with “In-Law” situations. Scary!
| She Said |
He Said |
| I’ll confess upfront that I am a product of a dysfunctional family. Geez, did anyone grow up in a “Leave It To Beaver” environment? How many reading this don’t even know what “Leave It To Beaver” is? I’m sure the answer would depress me . . . so let’s move on.When is it OK to tell your parents that what they are doing may not be in their best interest? How do you address the situation? I’m speaking to adults out there – teenagers move on!
I grew up in a blue collar, (almost) middle class family. I remember growing up watching my mom pay bills – my stepfather never showed any interest in the process. There were times mom would ’steal from Peter to pay Paul’. Anyone heard that saying before? In today’s economic times, I’m sure many people are doing it – using money designated for one thing in order to pay another and hope that you can make up the difference next paycheck. I didn’t know anything other than watching my mom live paycheck to paycheck. My stepfather had his own checking account and paid the rent and a car payment while my mom covered virtually anything and everything else. There was very little communication between them about finances. I learned what I didn’t want to do when I grew up!
Jack and I handle things very differently and I know our relationship benefits from our open communication. Jack, being the black & white kinda guy he is, thinks there’s no problem approaching my parents and telling them they are nuts and won’t have a penny to support themselves in the years to come if they don’t curb their spending habits now. I, on the other hand, KNOW that this situation must be handled with A LOT more care and diplomacy.
They are both retired, and my mom’s expenses often exceed her Social Security check. She doesn’t live on her credit cards anymore, but the smallest out of the ordinary expense causes her to reach for her plastic.
I discuss money situations with my mom often – and I try to address some of these issues in a subtle way so she doesn’t get defensive and upset. A couple years after they bought their first home (only a few years ago) I found out they were still paying PMI when they didn’t need to and helped her take the necessary steps to have it removed from their mortgage payment. Hooray – I’ve helped them save some money! A couple months later, I find out they’ve bought a new car. Did they need to get rid of two (out of three) of their cars – absolutely! Did they need to buy a brand new car – probably not. Now they are back to car payments – months after paying off the other car they still have.
When we visit my parents or they come here – I have to put Jack on warning. PLEASE, PLEASE don’t say anything that will cause an argument. My parents are like elephants – they forget nothing and hold grudges (though they’d deny that). Is it fair to ask Jack to refrain from commenting on a lot of things? Absolutely not – and I’m sorry I put him in that predicament. I’m trying for a peaceful, enjoyable visit – and will go to great lengths to avoid a confrontation.
Please tell me I’m not the only one on this slippery slope of managing the “In Laws” situation! Got any ideas? Please enlighten me! |
The financial situation the in-laws are creating will be dealt with. Regardless of if we do it the easy way or the hard; sooner or later it will be dealt with.If done later it will be more difficult and more expensive than if dealt with now.
As for being diplomatic about it, I am! … usually. OK, sometimes I can be diplomatic. It’s a lot easier to be diplomatic if the situation were approached intentionally in a planned manner.
If the situation blows up in my lap, well then all bets are off!
To date, I have heeded most of Jill’s pleas to reserve my opinions. But in the few instances that the topic of finances and the in-laws has been raised I’ve handled it respectfully and tactfully.
Jill hasn’t listened to me, so I would appreciate your help and support. Here is my opinion, be blunt, am I off base?
Honesty is the best policy!
It’s not always easy, I admit! Just take a look at the post on honesty and kids.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family too, who didn’t? But mine was also filled with routine dishonesty. It was difficult to decipher what was true and what was not. It was easy, even natural to fall into the same trap.
Early in my adult life and way too late I began to develop the opinion that lying was more work than it was worth. When I began living a life of blunt and open honesty, it too wasn’t easy, but it was right.
There was one benefit that I didn’t expect. When you are open, honest and lay your issues and concerns on the table then, and only then, can they be addressed. I also found our issues tend to get resolved faster and with less drama.
Unless you open the dialog and begin to address any issues, they will forever remain a problem or potentially explode when it’s least desirable.
Jill learned what didn’t work and as a result we have a much better life than her parents have experienced.
If we have learned that this is the best approach than why wouldn’t we want to approach the parents in the same manner?
They are adults, and they are being irresponsible by not addressing these issues themselves. Some might say that’s their business. Unfortunately, since Jill is an only child, all of her parents choices will eventually have an impact on her, and on our family.
In my book that makes it our problem too. It’s a problem I’d rather deal with now versus later. |
Reader: Here is one that you can really help with, what would you do in our situation? Is it time for a intervention with the in-laws?
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When raising kids you want to do it right. Then situations arise that you are uncomfortable talking about or addressing. Many parents avoid certain topics and outright lie about others. How honest should we be?
| He Said |
She Said |
| “Never Lie” parents tell their kids. And then they lie.”"Don’t break the law”, adults say to their children. And then get caught speeding, or cheating on their taxes.”Be kind to others” adults say to children. And then they are derogatory or critical behind closed doors, but in front of the kids.Parenting is tough. Establishing an ideal code of conduct for our kids, while living our lives and parenting at the same time, often puts parents in difficult positions.
We have told our kids not to steal (sorry Jill), but then they saw their mother take a ramekin from a restaurant with a to-go order.
We have supported the “just say no to drugs” message with our kids. But thank God they have never asked if I have done drugs. I know this day will come, it did between me and my mother. My first thought is that I will be honest and admit it. Unlike Clinton, I inhaled and even enjoyed!
But then I consider the perception our kids have of us. I wonder how this knowledge will affect their opinion of me. I worry that they may see this as condoning drug use or experimentation.
Few people don’t have some skeletons in their closet. I am no different. There are many things in my life that I am not proud of, choices I should have never made and acts I should have known not to commit.
Each of these though were learning experiences in this journey of life. For each mistake there was a lesson, for each failure there was a success.
I believe children need to learn there is no perfection, there is only pursuit of continuous improvement. How can they learn this without exposure to the fact that mistakes are make and learned from?
Forgetting to pay a bill, getting drunk or hurting a friend’s feelings is one thing; drug experimentation, premarital sex or committing crimes are another.
How honest are you with your kids? |
Let me explain the ramekin issue – because Jack is right that my kids will not let me live this one down at all! We were ready to leave a restaurant and asked for a ‘to-go’ box. The food that I was trying to bring home had a sauce that was in a ramekin-type dish. I not only wanted the food, but I wanted the sauce as well – call me crazy! When the box finally arrived, neither of us immediately noticed that the waiter failed to give me a container for the sauce. So, in the efforts to finally get out of there, I put the dish in my box and we left! This was 5 or 6 years ago, let it rest already!I think there is a time and place to share your experiences so your kids can best relate. I shared my bully experience in middle school when my son encountered a similar problem. When my daughter first experienced someone saying something negative behind her back, we discussed what I did when it happened to me and other possible ways to handle these situations. I also shared what happened when I got caught smoking when I was a ‘tween’. When one of the kids asked me why I did it, I answered honestly because my cousin and friend did it. My kids’ answer was classic, “Well, that was dumb, Mom”. We had to address the premarital sex subject a little sooner than we expected. Our 9 year old daughter figured out that her brother was born 5 months after we were married. When Jane asked us about it, we were honest and admitted that we had to move our wedding up when we realized he was due three days after our proposed wedding date. We took this opportunity to explained that when we found out we were going to have a baby we were committed to one another and had already set our wedding date. We also showed that safe sex isn’t always foolproof. Our son took it in stride, but I could see that our daughter was storing this issue in her mind until she was ready to ask me about it. I’m good with that.
For the record, Jack was a legal adult when he “tried” new things. I fully admit we were underage the first time we both got drunk. When sharing these experiences, I think the fact that Jack wasn’t a kid when he decided to “experiment” is an important point to make to our son. As for the alcohol, I think it is ironic that I don’t drink at all and Jack drinks very little. Because we’ve known each other since middle school, we have shared a lot of stories with the kids about us growing up – inlcluding the times we had too much to drink.
When the time is right – Jack should share his experiences. Our son is old enough to understand. Our daughter is still too young and impressionable to listen without judgment. The important thing is the timing; re-iterate how to handle peer pressure to try alcohol or drugs while driving your child to a friend’s house. We try to have ‘mini-talks’ with the kids instead of long lectures that prove less effective in our house.
I know the kids are going to do things about which I will not be happy. What age someone is when they experience something plays a big part in how they handle it. I don’t want my kids drinking, having sex and trying drugs . . . because they are kids. When they are older and mature, these decisions will be up to them to make and hopefully handle appropriately.
We believe in being as honest as we can with our kids given the subject matter and their maturity. We share with our kids that we aren’t perfect and the effects of both good and poor decisions. We both are quick to apologize and ask forgiveness when we’ve mishandled a situation with each other or with the kids. To me, this is just as important as honesty.
How do you handle uncomfortable questions from your kids? |
Readers: Should kids be protected from the knowledge that their parents made bad choices in life? Please click on the link below and share your thoughts.
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