When raising kids you want to do it right. Then situations arise that you are uncomfortable talking about or addressing. Many parents avoid certain topics and outright lie about others. How honest should we be?
| He Said | She Said |
| “Never Lie” parents tell their kids. And then they lie.”"Don’t break the law”, adults say to their children. And then get caught speeding, or cheating on their taxes.”Be kind to others” adults say to children. And then they are derogatory or critical behind closed doors, but in front of the kids.Parenting is tough. Establishing an ideal code of conduct for our kids, while living our lives and parenting at the same time, often puts parents in difficult positions.
We have told our kids not to steal (sorry Jill), but then they saw their mother take a ramekin from a restaurant with a to-go order. We have supported the “just say no to drugs” message with our kids. But thank God they have never asked if I have done drugs. I know this day will come, it did between me and my mother. My first thought is that I will be honest and admit it. Unlike Clinton, I inhaled and even enjoyed! But then I consider the perception our kids have of us. I wonder how this knowledge will affect their opinion of me. I worry that they may see this as condoning drug use or experimentation. Few people don’t have some skeletons in their closet. I am no different. There are many things in my life that I am not proud of, choices I should have never made and acts I should have known not to commit. Each of these though were learning experiences in this journey of life. For each mistake there was a lesson, for each failure there was a success. I believe children need to learn there is no perfection, there is only pursuit of continuous improvement. How can they learn this without exposure to the fact that mistakes are make and learned from? Forgetting to pay a bill, getting drunk or hurting a friend’s feelings is one thing; drug experimentation, premarital sex or committing crimes are another. How honest are you with your kids? |
Let me explain the ramekin issue – because Jack is right that my kids will not let me live this one down at all! We were ready to leave a restaurant and asked for a ‘to-go’ box. The food that I was trying to bring home had a sauce that was in a ramekin-type dish. I not only wanted the food, but I wanted the sauce as well – call me crazy! When the box finally arrived, neither of us immediately noticed that the waiter failed to give me a container for the sauce. So, in the efforts to finally get out of there, I put the dish in my box and we left! This was 5 or 6 years ago, let it rest already!I think there is a time and place to share your experiences so your kids can best relate. I shared my bully experience in middle school when my son encountered a similar problem. When my daughter first experienced someone saying something negative behind her back, we discussed what I did when it happened to me and other possible ways to handle these situations. I also shared what happened when I got caught smoking when I was a ‘tween’. When one of the kids asked me why I did it, I answered honestly because my cousin and friend did it. My kids’ answer was classic, “Well, that was dumb, Mom”. We had to address the premarital sex subject a little sooner than we expected. Our 9 year old daughter figured out that her brother was born 5 months after we were married. When Jane asked us about it, we were honest and admitted that we had to move our wedding up when we realized he was due three days after our proposed wedding date. We took this opportunity to explained that when we found out we were going to have a baby we were committed to one another and had already set our wedding date. We also showed that safe sex isn’t always foolproof. Our son took it in stride, but I could see that our daughter was storing this issue in her mind until she was ready to ask me about it. I’m good with that.
For the record, Jack was a legal adult when he “tried” new things. I fully admit we were underage the first time we both got drunk. When sharing these experiences, I think the fact that Jack wasn’t a kid when he decided to “experiment” is an important point to make to our son. As for the alcohol, I think it is ironic that I don’t drink at all and Jack drinks very little. Because we’ve known each other since middle school, we have shared a lot of stories with the kids about us growing up – inlcluding the times we had too much to drink. When the time is right – Jack should share his experiences. Our son is old enough to understand. Our daughter is still too young and impressionable to listen without judgment. The important thing is the timing; re-iterate how to handle peer pressure to try alcohol or drugs while driving your child to a friend’s house. We try to have ‘mini-talks’ with the kids instead of long lectures that prove less effective in our house. I know the kids are going to do things about which I will not be happy. What age someone is when they experience something plays a big part in how they handle it. I don’t want my kids drinking, having sex and trying drugs . . . because they are kids. When they are older and mature, these decisions will be up to them to make and hopefully handle appropriately. We believe in being as honest as we can with our kids given the subject matter and their maturity. We share with our kids that we aren’t perfect and the effects of both good and poor decisions. We both are quick to apologize and ask forgiveness when we’ve mishandled a situation with each other or with the kids. To me, this is just as important as honesty. How do you handle uncomfortable questions from your kids? |
Readers: Should kids be protected from the knowledge that their parents made bad choices in life? Please click on the link below and share your thoughts.
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